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| I sit here in my youth room, right before church starts, and my thoughts race forever on.
my life is so different from where I thought it would be.
it's like examining the wreckage from a car crash, and finding that there was a winning lotto ticket inside the busted door panel, and you never would have found it if it were not for that hideous crash.
my life imitates this.
I, for the life of me have been enthusiastic about only 2 things.
regardless of what those things are, only being enthusiastic about 2 things is rather depressing.
life should be FILLED with many interests, passions, and desires.
this I never fully understood until I met Chase Savannah (from myspace)
As I said, I only was passionate about 2 things back then, but NOW..... my life has been reborn.
not to sound like a villain on some movie, but I am changed, for the better.
I now pursue SO many passions, I work hard to fix the areas of struggle in my life.
to be honest, I never had much conviction to overcome addictions before her. plus, until her, I never even had the courage to talk about those addictions openly. but like many other things she inspired in me, she inspired courage. Courage to not just look at what's going wrong for me in my life, but to look at how I might adjust my line of thinking to not be so selfish.
I've been given courage to work hard at things, even when they seem like they aren't going to change.
some wise man said,
"the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"
but now I fully know the difference between claiming insanity, and persistence.
I'm not afraid to fail, because I've never been so open with my failures, and felt continually loved. This has only caused my OWN love to grow, and to become reinforced.
I once thought in black and white. either/or, win/lose. but I no longer see it that way
I see Chase.
I see the best thing in my entire life.
I see that although "happily ever after" is a fairy tale, and only fools obliviously chase after it, we get pretty dang close
I acknowledge that things wont always be tip top in relationships, and there will be times of struggle and hard work.
the funny thing about that last one, is that it has NEVER been me to work hard in times of hard relational struggle.
it either agrees with my way of thinking, or else it's failed, and I'll move on.
the humor comes in(as well as joy) as I realize that not once have I wanted out of this relationship.
hard times have come, and we've had our share of ups and downs, but honestly, every struggle has only opened me up to new possibilities for growth in my life, and has only redoubled my desire to work hard to make this a successful relationship. I never thought I'd be more in love with chase than when I first fell in love with her, or when I asked her to marry me, but the truth is that I not only enjoy the passionate romantic love that fresh couples enjoy, but already I have a deeply founded emotional connecting love for this woman for whom I've changed my entire life for.
I didn't give up and lose anything, I simply don't just think about myself anymore, but I think about a future ALWAYS with Chase in it.
Hard times, good times, passionate times, frustrated times, adventurous times, depressed times, distant times, close times, wonderful times.
all these things will have there role to play in our relationship, and I see that now, but I'm no longer afraid that any of the negative ones could EVER outweigh the positive ones. it's simply not possible.
they merely build and stoke a fire that desires to ever pursue the woman of my dreams, of who I already found, but am CONSTANTLY discovering.
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| than unprepared, and caught outside with not enough on.
hmmmmm.....
my thoughts race at a million miles per hour, because I know in a few hours time, you will read this. So what do I say? What can capture my feelings perfectly?
Not a song.
a song is a waste of time, because it's hard to mean it anymore. I've spent my whole life perfecting the art of singing sad songs, hoping that one day, I'd blow someone away with the intensity of my songs. It's the best I have to give, years of working hard at believing my own words, and singing them like they were EVER true or true forever.
But all songs do is hurt the woman of my dreams.
I used to think that songs were the perfect medium for explaining feelings, or exploring new ideas, but now I cant explain my feelings good enough in song to fully express how I feel, because they dont add up, and the things that mean the most to me now are worth so much more than a song (that I've gotten so good at writing) written in 5 minutes.
I've written songs that people tell me are the heartcry of their lives in under 5 minutes, and then recorded some shoddy garageband version, and had them tell me it sounds so sincere, and the only reason I did it in the first place is because it was fun.
it's always fun to do something you're good at.
....at the same time, these same songs have torn her apart, this one girl who I love, and am going to marry.
I dont explore new ideas, because new ideas hurt.
if I wrote a song about a guy frustrated with a relationship, she'd immediately feel inadequate and wonder why I'd write these songs about her.
and the truth is, these songs arent about anybody. I wrote them to entertain ME.
Pete Townsend was over 27 when he wrote "Baba O'Riley" otherwise known as "TEENAGE WASTELAND"
these are all scattered thoughts, and in all honesty, not my point.
my point is that I am in love with you.
I wish the internet could capture a whisper, because that's all I want to do with that sentance right now.
I've shouted it off mountain tops at the top of my lungs, I've tresspassed on tops of buildings and screamed my lungs out. I've sang it in countless songs that are only worth the stock that YOU put in them.
but none of these things fully capture how I feel.
I never whisper. if anyone were asked they would say I'm the loudest in a large circle, but that's a whole other kettle of fish,
I want to whisper it to you.
I want you to know how completely wrapped up in you I am, and so I sit scratching my head in front of my laptop sitting in a place that I have NO desire to be anymore, because the closest I ever came to enjoying this dump was when you were here.
I am here, because I wanted to be alone and to type these thoughts out. I want you to know so badly.
I wish that my past was only on your mind as little as it was mine. I wish that I could give you my feelings for one day, so you could understand how I feel, when I think about you. and you could see you how I see you.
I wish you could know that you are the the one I've worked the HARDEST to be worth it for. you are the one I've wanted the MOST in my entire life.
you hear these words, now you read them, but if only you could FEEL them. as I feel them
you would never think of some other girl again. you would be so secure in yourself if for but one second you could see inside my head.
I honestly thought that when you found out that I wanted to marry you, you wouldn't wonder if I wanted to be with you anymore. but now I see that is ridiculous.
"women are like that," they say. "ALWAYS wondering, ALWAYS worrying"
and part of me understands that, but part of me is not prepared to accept that you could REALLY wonder if I was attracted to your friends, or still in love with some past relationship, that apparently was more of a relationship in YOUR mind than it EVER was in real life.
GOD, how if only you could see you as I see you. you wouldn't DARE think those thoughts.
I cant possibly BE attracted to your friends, because combining them ALL into one superfriend, they still dont measure up to what I have in you. and some flash from the past, well that's just as ridiculous if you pay attention to how I need you.
I love you more than I've ever loved ANYONE.
EVER.
and I see that part of that last bit was my fault. I told you a story the way a songwriter would. making every detail romantic and heartwrenching. what the HELL was I thinking? the truth is much less exciting, and I wish if only I had ever told you THAT.
I'm learning to be less of a poet, and more of a fiance`.
I want to be a good husband to you. SO badly. and that's not something I feel I can WAIT to do, it's something I want you to see NOW.
I want you to feel as special as I see you.
I want you to shut up when we argue over who is the luckiest, because when you open your eyes, you can see how lucky I TRUELY am to have you, and it's no contest that I am the luckiest.
Screw my lazieness, I'll write letters.
I'll write you heaps of letters.
I've never been a letter guy, but for you, I'd be anything.
I'll do whatever I have to do, because I love you
and I hope that you read every whisper in them, and have read every whisper here, because that's how much I love you.
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| "I love chase more than anything in the world"
those were the exact words going through my head when you asked me what I was thinking.
and come to think of it, that's what I'm thinking for a vast majority of the time!
I wake up in the morning, and realize, you are the ONLY woman I have EVER woken up in the arms of.
I have NEVER let myself sleep through the night with someone else.
you were the first, and I never want to wake in anothers!
(unless becca comes over)
but seriously, my heart is full, because of you!
my entire outlook on life has been changed for the better because of you
finally, I no longer just BELIEVE in love, but I EXPERIENCE love, on a daily basis!
I want you to know, that I am thinking about you, and I dont ever stop thinking about you!
("Don't think I don't think about it"*)
*Substitute "it" for "you"
I LOVE YOU CHASE!!!!!
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| Chase.
I'd like to say that today was a fantastic day, but it's been lacking in the areas that matter most.
I haven't heard your voice at all today, I haven't been able to say I love you to you today, (barring the several voicemails I've left you)
I miss you.
grrrrr
I guess the memory of how AWESOME you are will have to sit fresh in my mind and keep me company until you do again!
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| back before I could admit anything to you.
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